1. Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on.
I wonder why it's not working right.
Hmmmmm, I wonder what this button does....

2. How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions.
Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!

3. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine short and simple. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me....

4. (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. Thanksh a lot.

5. Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

6. C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this -- beeeep, just a little one, beeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

7. Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!...Don't...!

8. No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIEEEEE!

9. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

10. Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks!

11. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

12. Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

13. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

14. Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

15. Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life! Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep. God, how I hate that beep. It's so cheery sounding.

16. Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
     Voice 2: I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that!

17. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need any siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office, and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

18. (Computer generated voices)
    1. Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
    2. Yeah, nobody but us machines!
    1. Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and phone number...
    2. ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
    1. Right, Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

19. 1. I didn't expect an answering machine.
     2. Nobody expects an answering machine.
     1. Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
     2. Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
     1. And message. Damn!
     2. Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
     1. And the time you called.
     2. Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
     1. No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

20. (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spoke Zarathustra")
Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached...(TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

21. (Rod Serling imitation:)
You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device...You have reached, "The Twilight Phone."

22. Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

23. (Very fast) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

24. Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

25. (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

26. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

27. Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG..er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

28. Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Sergeevich Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-in-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But, hey, call me Mike.

29. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

30. (Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE- NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

31. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

32. (In Joe Friday voice) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

33. (Annoying flute music in the background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good luck, Jim.

34. "I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message."

35. This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.

36. (Imitating Mr. Rogers) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure....I knew you could.

37. Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave 'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

38. Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

39. Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep.

40. This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...

41. (In a bored voice) Heaven, God speaking......

42. Hello, epicentre of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and a prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

43. Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

44. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

45. Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department of Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where you'll be and I'll be there.

46. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using todays vocabulary word. todays word is "supercilious."

47. Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail.

48. Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Todays commandment is Number 6. Thou shalt not..er..Bear a...er...Shalt not witness thy....uh.. Neighbors ass, Oh, I mean, false...er...Shall not commit a bear...Dern...

49. (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice) Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

50. (To scare off annoying liberals) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

51. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

52. Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

53. (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.